…Colin and I got married in sunny Cyprus, the island of love.
(Warning 1: This is not an interiors post. Apologies to anyone who is disappointed. You may make your excuses now and leave.
Warning 2: This personal post is about as deep as I will ever get. It may make you sick. You may make your excuses now and leave.
Still here? Hmm, well don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
It was the most beautiful day: blue skies, 26°C, our closest people with us, all just having a blast, which was all we wanted.
The wedding was at 5p.m. so before it was time to start getting ready, everyone was splashing around in the swimming pools of the gorgeous villa complex that we had hired out. The whole day and evening was relaxed, colourful and more fun than I could’ve imagined.
I did experience a bit of a strangeness though. It began as I was being driven to the Ethnographic Museum (aka the wedding venue) and intensified almost unbearably as I walked down the aisle. It was a feeling like no other, a crazy cocktail of:
- nerves – being the centre of attention is really not my thing anymore.
- disbelief that I – me, Meera, the wild one – was actually tying the knot.
- sheer joy that we were having a rather unique and intimate wedding (party of 25) in a museum courtyard, which when you step into, feels like stepping back in time.
- exhilaration that I was having the time of my life being contrary to the convention, expectations and cultural traditions that had thus far been the bane of my existence. >>cue David Bowie’s Rebel Rebel<<
- fear that Colin would come to his senses and run to the opposite end of the island “Marry her, what? Am I nuts?”
- dream-like euphoria that the most selfless, compassionate, loving, brilliant, sweetest man I have ever known, who is also my best friend and my rock, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
- a little sadness that the people who saw me growing up simply couldn’t open their minds and hearts enough to accept me for who I am and the choices I make. But this last feeling quickly paled into insignificance as I walked towards my gorgeous man, the love in his eyes making me smile so wide that my jaw was hurting later – really. My heart was thumping so loud I was sure it could be heard above the classical music. My heart was also doing cartwheels.
Upon being pronounced husband and wife, any feelings that were contrary to my happiness simply drained away and were replaced by even more delight. Through the confetti, hugs of congratulations, photographs, reception, dining and dancing, I felt like I was floating, hand-in-hand with Colin, and despite my aching jaw, I simply couldn’t wipe off my big toothy smile.
DREAMS DO COME TRUE.
As I sit here remembering the day, I can’t help but pinch myself. When I was younger, I never could’ve dreamed of this incredibly wonderful life that I have, and with someone as incredible as Colin.
I was a completely different person when we first met 5 years ago, and now that I have found ‘me’, I can better understand the actions of my old self.
I don’t have happy childhood memories. I remember some horrific incidents and mostly a lot of negative energy on a day to day basis. There wasn’t much love where I grew up. As I entered adulthood, outwardly I was as normal as an Indo-Kenyan with wild rebellious teenage experiences can be – a good university student who got a good job and had plenty of true tales to interest and charm people who wanted to know. But scratch the surface and it was a different picture. My deep-rooted insecurities and unresolved issues made me volatile. This trait eventually damaged some of the good relationships that came my way.
Like with others before him, I gave Colin several reasons to run far far away but unlike the others, he stayed and showered me with more affection than I knew what to do with. He loved this ‘loony, exotic creature’, and I just had to deal with it. Incredibly, the more he loved me, the more my inward tumultuous storms calmed. He glimpsed my creative side which until then had had little chance to play, so encouraged me to follow my dreams, unreservedly supported me through my career change and allowed me to be ME – at last.
A few years on… I am a new person. I see the world in a completely different light, observing beauty and taking pleasure in little things around me. I no longer get hung up on perfection, but rather rejoice in imperfection (knocks and dents = character). I have more creative ideas than I can pen down (a big thank you here to my lovely blog friends who inspire me daily), so need to work on organising them, but for now I love letting my creative spirit and imagination run wild and free to make up for all the years it was caged. I finally know what it is to be happy and I’m holding on to it! Sometimes when the demons of my past do rear their ugly heads, my white knight helps me vanquish them. One day, I hope, they will be vanquished for good.
This morning, just as he did 5 years ago and every day in between, Colin woke me up with a cup of tea, a kiss and a cuddle. The way he looks at me disarms me and makes me realise that miraculously I love him more today than I did yesterday. Every day I feel this way. Our love is of the growing kind.
He spoils me silly. He is the only person in my world who has taught me, despite me being a difficult student, what love and happiness are. Would you believe, he comes from a difficult childhood too. He is my universe and together there is nothing we can’t do.
So anyway, the moral of the story is…